So, 2025 is coming up. I honestly didn't think I'd live long enough to see it. This year has been real shit to say the least. Didn't really meet any of my goals and didn't really manage to keep up with my life for the most part. I kind of just gave up trying to live after dropping out from college in 2023. Don't have much to show off this year, I only wrote a few songs and that's it. Didn't do much else. I mean, not much else that could be considered in any way as some kind of positive contribution to the culture or society I reluctantly live within. Mostly just been a nuisance to everyone I've met.

It felt wrong but I did finally release my album just a few days ago. I was putting it off for a long time because I wanted it to be released on some kind of personally significant date for some reason. I figured it didn't really matter anyway so I put it out the moment I thought of doing it. Now I don't know if I should've. It's obvious no one cares and it is just throwing more trash into the landfill of oversaturation that is the internet these days. Music is meant to be heard but I honestly don't think anyone else could possibly care about or understand the music I create. Not even I really understand the music I make most of the time. I only make music because it's fun and it's soothing to listen back to. Only I can really enjoy it and it doesn't make a lot of sense to put out something if no one wants to hear it in the first place. Just going off from the inertia of a past volatile wish that I do not really possess anymore.

Going forward I can't really foresee much in any concrete manner but in the near future I will be, and already am trying to get my own website up and running effectively, for real this time. Because as nice of a thought as Newgrounds might be I've never really felt welcome in here, to me this place has always felt like one big circlejerk I was not invited to, and I don't really care to make part of it at this point. And, I really can't rely on someone else to host my bullshit, because even to myself I am too much of me sometimes, I can't really imagine how much of a pain I am to deal with to anybody else. This goes for all social media as well really; I've just come to vividly despise the whole concept behind social networking in general lately. I couldn't care less about the numbers, I couldn't care less about the people. I genuinely do not give a fuck and I feel the need to stop pretending that I do when I know well that I don't, because it hasn't taken me anywhere before and it very obviously won't take me anywhere in the future, and even if it did I wouldn't like it anyway.

I will stay, though, so don't get too happy yet. Because to live in this world I need to prove my worth and the only thing I know how to do is music, I will have to find a way to make a profit out of it, and I don't really want to do it because I am well aware it is as heartless and idiotic as it sounds. For that I need to keep some kind of presence until I'm noticed by a record label or some shit, and as flawed as it might be Newgrounds is one of the last decent places to put out your work online for free. The only other option I am actually considering would be to turn myself in to a psych ward to remain locked away there for the rest of my life, because I am mentally retarded and totally unable to perform any kind of real job with any kind of real consistency. My dad actually suggested I get some kind of psychiatric disability certificate several times this year, but I would rather not deal with the hassle that implies. So I pick a greater hassle instead, I swear this thought process alone should qualify as a proof of mental disability, lol.

I don't like being depressing, but otherwise pretending not to would be dishonest, and I dislike dishonesty. Going forward I really don't see much so I will have to make it up as I go. I will keep to my lane. I won't bother anyone anymore. Don't pretend to care about me, because I won't pretend to care about you.

I'm pretty sure I've made this post before.

This is a compilation of various favourite tracks I made in the past 2 years (around 2022 to 2023). Some aged better than others, quite a few are actually awful and were included in this album solely because it needed some filler in between the good parts so that it had more impact.

Most of these tracks are the paradoxical result of the frustration that inevitably arose while creating them, having very little practical theory knowledge meant relying predominantly on intuition to compose, what made it more of an inefficient trial & error process that rarely allowed any room for good habits to take on a longstanding form.

Although for a while it was all that was necessary to transpose an ephemeral emotion into sound to soothe myself with, to keep me company when people around me didn't. Sometimes those emotions morph into another in the middle of the creative process, what tends to turn the mood of the track in odd ways that maybe weren't intended in the beginning, but regardless of that fact they are there in the end.

Sometimes I put this album on before bed, when I don't have anything better to do than lay down half awake in the middle of the night, or the middle of the day, while I reflect on things. I put this together that way, listening to the playlist and moving tracks around, adjusting their positions until they started to make sense and tell a story I could relate to. What makes it something special to me, something I couldn't possibly share with anyone as all that it meant to me would not be perceived by anybody else.

And here I am now, releasing it anyway. I don't really know why. Music is meant to be heard, I suppose would be a good excuse. I don't know if anyone'll care to listen, and honestly I don't really care if nobody does. All of the music I make, I make for myself. If you want to listen I hope that you might find something of interest within this collection of songs, and that it might accompany you even if for a brief moment in the way that it accompanies me.

I'm not really sure about what I'll do anymore. I don't have much of a reason to keep going with anything, but because I am still mostly alive I really need to find one. I'm looking forward to Jamuary next year, that is always a fun event to partake in. I will always keep trying to be better than I was a second ago, no matter how hard I manage to screw things up every other minute of my existence. I recall a few years ago I had this phrase on the about section of this userpage: "I do thing, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, I'm always willing to improve" it was so innocent and full of hope. I really want to go back to that mindset these days, even if it is difficult to see the world in a good light anymore, I should focus on improving my self so long as I have that left.

Okay now, that is all. If people want it I might put up some mp3 download of this thing online at a later date.

Love dis tune.

I forget where I got this image from, metadata says it's from July 2023, and I thought it is very relevant in this particular time.

just thought you should know.

I spent a day trying to figure out what I could've possibly done to mess up my local css file, today I realized...

It is at the root of my neocities webpage but it is not at the root of my hard drive.

That fixes it and now I can make my offline edits in peace. Man, I sure do hope that this kind of minuscule syntax error doesn't become the core characteristic behind my future coding failure headaches...