y'know, having a lot of serious things to worry about in life is kind of stressful, and because I don't know how to do anything about it yet I prefer taking solace in staying where I am in every possible way. It may not work well for getting better at anything I need to get better at to continue existing properly in this fucked earth, but it has worked well enough to keep me from the horrible experience of standing in dangerous & potentially life-ending ground in a predictably vain attempt at getting a job or education or social interaction. I believe the downsides of this are obvious enough to not have to write down here, so I won't.

for some reason earlier this year I thought it would be funny to ditch my mostly functional installation of windows 10 to give this "switching to linux" pipe dream a try. I am actually kind of surprised that it is much, much, much easier than people online make it out to be. maybe my experience was a little smoother in part because there's not many programs I couldn't replace with the linux alternatives that I personally think are perfectly fine for my use cases, mostly because I'm not really an advanced user of anything other than paint[dot]net which funnily enough is the only thing I'd like to have that doesn't run at all under wine.

I digress, the thing is that, in getting rid of windows I also got rid of all the little stupid applications I utilized to distract myself from the horrible real world outside and ultimately waste my time. now my laptop is kind of boring and the only uses I'm giving it currently are browsing the internet & leaving my entire music library playing on shuffle 24/7.

all of that to say, I now have more time to interact with the reality surrounding me and can notice things I didn't know were still in my room. Among those things being various assorted piles of paper that contain my various sad attempts at drawing the furry stuff I have been so into my entire life for reasons I still can't manage to put into words. y'know, sometimes I forget how much I love to be soft, in a world where being though is necessary to exist against others it is really difficult to remember I can allow myself to feel positive emotions for a second or two, what I've recently realized is not helping with my chronic depression. what sort of does help mitigate the intense feelings of worthlessness is doing what I enjoy, and being myself how I enjoy to be myself. it would also help to have some close company beyond my "family" but that's not whitin my power to change so moving on to the next paragraph.

what is whitin my power is learning to draw the stuff that makes me happy to see, such as my fursona, and maybe other "original" characters I may come up with. the thing is, though, that I don't have a strong enough will to sit down and actually practice the things I need to get better at, and on top of that the cold weather & my depression make me not want to leave the bed for anything no matter how strong my desire of doing anything might be, so I haven't done as much progress as I would've liked in the last few weeks. but I've still, somehow, managed to exceed my expectations and fill more sketch pages than I have ever filled in my life in just a month, so the momentum I have right now is not gonna die even when all I am capable of doing tends to turn out like this:

pictured: my character, it looks better from a distance™

talking about my character, and sort of tying in with what I wrote previously, after a bit of struggling against myself I've begun to accept the fact that my fursona does not have to be a 1:1 representation of myself in every way, because honestly it gets really boring really quickly. if I am depressed all the time, and I don't want to be depressed all the time, I should probably not draw a character that's supposed to represent myself being depressed all the time. basically reaching the opposite conclusion to a post I wrote once upon a time a thousand internet years ago and took down with my account around march this year. I like being this cat, and I like allowing myself to feel positive emotions through a character only I can draw whenever I really want to, and it feels really nice to accept that.

btw it might be unnecessary to point out but do not draw my character, it is uncomfortable.

anyway, I got a little sidetracked while writing this, I initially wanted to whine about not having a graphics tablet to draw in the computer with. been looking to get one very recently and the only decent thing I've found that falls under my budget is an XP-Pen Star G640, so I guess I'll have to settle for that and see if I can find any store that sells it around my area. would be really nice to see what this pressure sensitivity thing is all about, and hopefully it would help me get digital refinements of my ink pen sketches done much quicker, and nicer.

anyway, anyway, I don't really know why I am writing this here, because I really shouldn't, it's not like anyone gives a shit, and whatever parasocialism ensues from this does not interest me in the slightest, and it's reaelly fucking cold in here and i really should be in bed because its 7am already and I need to sleep so imma go do that now. meow.