And I find it really funny that a forum thread of this insignificance got crawled by the wayback machine. Like why the fuck, nobody looked at it, it was deleted by the moderation team, nobody wanted it to stay for any reason, but now it will anyway, one could say in spite of that fact. At least until the Internet Archive actually dies. One can only imagine the volume of equally worthless pages that must be archived in those servers, wasting valuable hard drive space that could've been used to archive something that anybody actually gave a shit about, such as this page, that I would've liked to keep as I remember writing something moderately notable in there.

All my personally significant information, right now, is on two separate drives, one of which throws a high pending sector count on its SMART system when I analyzed it, the other one is a shitass flimsy NVME embedded into my laptop's motherboard, which I don't think should've lasted the 4 years it did, and I much less expect it to keep working in the foreseeable future. In a way it almost defies logic; I've had too much luck with this cheap crap they lent me in highschool. I have another backup in a 14gb USB drive, and as I hear you laughing already I assume you know it's not a reliable system to keep any files on for any extended period of time, and I didn't even mention the fact that I bought this pair of sticks in 2017 and they both still work as if time didn't pass (BTW the other one is used for Ventoy & ISO installation files). My parents bought at least a dozen of these shitty USB drives and none of them lasted more than a month, and my ones have lasted seven entire years. Seven. With all the messed up shit I've done to them in that time.

And talking about time, it has apparently been 4 years since I created my first account in here. I was so active back then, considering the fact that I was obligated to attend school and do assignments. I mean, with the pandemic happening that year everybody took advantage of it as an excuse to not show up to class nor do any of the work the teachers gave us, what I also did BTW, shamelessly like always. But I digress. Nothing too noteworthy happened in all that time. It's the little things that matter and it's the little things you easily forget. I made a lot of shitty music, because I found a lot of joy in the act of creating it, researching how to create it, etc. Nowadays I feel differently, I feel like I put too much pressure in outdoing myself in every possible aspect, so much so that I throw away perfectly middling things if they don't have the potential to become something more grandiose and monumentally important in the grand scheme of things.

In a way I still don't care about the things I make being perceived in any way, but I do care about making them more of a worthwile experience than I am actually capable of delivering at my current skill level, what has burnt me out frequently. I've been reflecting on this stuff for about a year now, since the moment I got banned off the audio portal for uploading something off of this. I really want to go back to that time, where I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't give a shit about it, I only wanted to do it because it was fun, because listening back to something I created was rewarding regardless of the fact that most of it sounded like shit by my current standards. And before you suggest it, I have thought about abandoning this music making endeavour althogether, but without this I am really just completely useless. Last year I dropped out of music college due to my social anxiety, and in the time since the only things I've done are stay all day in bed, jack it off to furry porn, drink an average of 5 cups of coffee per day, and neglect my health to the point where I now have several odd pains across my body and a massive hole in one tooth that I'm going to have to pay money to get fixed because the previously decent public healthcare system in my country has been collapsed since 2020 and the current government doesn't like the concept of its existence in the slightest. I am clearly mentally disabled and I don't think I need a doctor to tell me what I'm already well aware of.

I just wish I didn't have to worry about making money to live. But I need to make money to live, so I have to worry about it a lot. All of this obviously leading up to a terrible idea: making money off of the shitty music I make. I know its horrible quality could not possibly be worth more than a cent at most, but I am really considering to put it up for sale anyway. I don't even want to think about the pain that setting up international payment processor accounts is going to be, but I'll have to do it anyway. I don't even want to think about the pain that's going to be to pay whatever fees and taxes for all of this massive bullshit but I'm going to do it anyway. Writing out this paragraph really puts into perspective how insane I actually am. I know that I should try to get a real job instead of trying my luck with such an unreliable & oversaturated market like most other sane people would, but I only graduated highschool with a music degree (at least I think that's what they gave me), to get any job that actually pays what it's worth I would have to go to college again and I can't afford it without a job. I guess I could easily prostitute myself to pay the bills but I don't think the massive STD risk would be worth it in the end. This is all just incredibly stressful and to top it all off I am also incredibly retarded.

To be clear I'm not delusional enough to believe I could make a living out of this forever if at all. If anything it would at least serve as a little help while I work towards finding a more reliable source of income during these horribly difficult times everybody in this country (and the world) is going through. I am well aware that a lot of people have better problems than I do but that doesn't really do anything to undo my equally real problems. This stupidity is obviously not going to be anything more than a temporary fix, and I promise to myself more than any other person that I will put a massive effort into becoming a better musician than I currently am, if you could be so generous to actually consider me a real musician at all, I bought a piano with all the fellowship money I painstakingly saved for 2 years and I have barely even touched it since. I will have to start learning from scratch again, and while it might seem like a devastating massive loss of progress to most people, to me it is actually exciting, I have already had various massive failures that I know how to avoid going forward from point one of the learning journey, what would make me a lot more capable to take in all the good knowledge and habits while avoiding every bad step I took in these past 4 years.

4 years. I was 16 years old when I first joined this site. It is almost unreal to think that in a way it accompanied me while I grew up. In some ways I've matured a lot, and in some others I've remained just as immature. I should probably end this post on that note.